A Zoo of a Romance
by baylishmaylie
Summary: When Tina Goldstein loses her job, she vows to do anything in her power to get it back. So when her old boss calls her and assigns her to go to the European country of Normont to clean up a mess the Crown Prince, Theseus Scamander, has made, she gladly accepts. The moment she meets Newt Scamander, everything changes. A Hallmark Movie AU
1. Prologue Part I

"Agent Goldstein." Director Picquery slammed down her hand on her desk. Even though she was sitting, Tina observed that Director Picquery was still just as formidable – if not more in this situation – as she was standing.

Tina looked up in shock. "Director-"

"Agent Goldstein, this is final."

"Director Picquery, please reconsider-"

"Goldstein, you are _fired_. There is nothing you can do or say to fix this. One or even two times was okay; three and four were stretching it – and we made this perfectly clear to you, by the way – but five is ridiculous."

"Director-" Tina was on the verge of tears at this point. She was still fixated on the place Director Picquery's hand had just been (on the mahogany desk she had hoped to inherit when Picquery retired – until now). Grudgingly, she looked up.

"It is completely unacceptable for you to answer a call when you were off duty and we already had other agents on the job! Goldstein, this would have been _fine_ on a county level. But this is federal level we're talking about! If we had wanted you there, we would have called, but we didn't; therefore, you were not wanted."

Tina wiped at her tears angrily with her sleeve.

"Those children were helpless, Director!"

"They were not helpless, Goldstein. We had five officers on call, and at this point, you're just a liability to our program."

Tina blanched. _Liability, unwanted, annoying, liability-_

Running trembling hands through her hair, she pleaded, "Director, is there really nothing I can do to get this job back?"

"There is _not_."

Tina slowly stood up from the desk. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it and nodded grudgingly.

"Good day, Miss Goldstein."

Tina would not give her ex-co-workers any of the satisfaction of seeing her cry. Scrapping up any shred of dignity she had left, she exited the building with her head high and her shoulders back, not giving any indication of the turmoil inside her head.

By the time she got to her blue Toyota Camry, she was racking with sobs.

Deciding it probably wasn't safe to drive in her state, she pulled out her phone and dialed her sister's number.

"Queenie?" It was embarrassing how shaky her voice was.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"Can you come pick me up?" There was a slight pause.

"Of course, Teen. I'll be right there. Love you."

Tina pulled the phone away from her ear. She sank to the ground, tears spilling out of her eyes and down her cheeks, hands in her hair. The only thought left in her head was the certainty that she would prove Picquery wrong.

Tina Goldstein was better than a liability.


	2. Prologue Part II

On the morning of February 15, Newt was rudely awoken by a loud shouting match outside his door between what sounded like –

"Theseus Scamander! You listen to your mother right this instant!"

"Mum, it was just a girl -"

"Just a girl?! Theseus, you're to be coronated in two months!"

Newt groaned. He wondered what girl would be stupid enough to know of Theseus' playboy nature and still decide he was worth her time.

"Theseus, you do realize someone is bound to leak this to the tabloids, right?"

"Nonsense! We were careful, mother!"

"If you were so careful, how come your father walked in on you two spooning each other on one of the kitchen countertops? She's here on official business from her duchy, not to be your little plaything!"

Newt rolled over and placed his pillow above his head so as to block out the noise. Their voices escalated, however, and soon he could hear them just as well as he could without the pillow.

"Mother, as long as the press doesn't find out, I don't see why it's such a big deal. Really, this has happened before, and you didn't care then!"

"You've been shirking your duties flaunting around in the States for so long, you don't even know Newton's found himself a girl!"

"You're kidding, right?"

Newt fought the urge to get out of bed and punch Theseus himself. He'd gain more on him by eavesdropping, anyway.

"Of course I'm not kidding! He's handsome enough, and if he wasn't so shy, he'd have girls flocking to him! The nerve, Theseus-"

"Mother, what does this have to do with anything?"

His eyes began drooping shut again; after all, it was only 7 o'clock in the morning. He was just dozing off when he heard his mother nearly scream.

"Theseus, his girlfriend is Leta Lestrange!"

Newt sat up straight, blinded by the light coming in the window from his right. He had to have misunderstood the implications of that sentence. His heart dropped in his chest. He went to the door, not entirely sure he wanted to hear what was coming.

"Holy mother of-"

The remainder of Theseus' sentence was cut short due to a fist in his face.

Newt's fist, to be exact.

* * *

"Remember when I told you I hated Theseus when I was five, and you told me to apologize?" Newt asked.

"I don't remember a specific time, but there seemed to be a lot of that. Why?" Her Majesty rubbed soothing circles into Newt's back.

"I meant it. I really, truly did." He hiccuped.

"Okay, dear, but it's two in the morning. I really must get to bed now."

"Alright. Sorry to keep you up," Newt replied, then added, "I should probably try to sleep as well."

"It's no problem at all, Newton. Now get some rest."

He laid back onto his pillow. There were about five bowls stacked on his nightstand, most of which had contained either ice cream or noodle soup - his comfort foods. The trash can next to his bed was nearly filled with tissues. His pillows were all over the floor, considering throwing anything harder would have likely broken something. He chuckled humorlessly under his breath. It's too late for that now. His heart was already shattered, the shards puncturing his lungs, scratching at his ribs, scarring any and all internal organs it could reach. He wanted to tear it out - what was left of it, anyway - and throw half at Theseus and half at Leta. Theseus had tried to apologize - I didn't know, Mum didn't tell me,etcetera. Empty, backhanded words, as per usual from Theseus. Even if Theseus was unaware of his new relationship with the duchess Leta Lestrange, Newt knew for a fact Theseus knew Newt had fancied her since he was twenty years old - ten years! He'd make an awful king, especially since it involved getting married and settling down. He felt bad for the next queen of Normont.

And the nerve of Leta! He'd be forced to make up some ridiculous story about how it was a mutual breakup and that no, they would not be getting back together, and no, it was nothing personal, even though it most certainly was, just so the press wouldn't have a field day about it. He didn't know how long it had been since he'd last checked, but he was on the top fifty Eligible Bachelors of the World at one point (Theseus was always checking on his own ranking), so he was relatively popular (mostly with preteen girls that still checked the EBW list, but still). He wouldn't be able to talk about it to anyone. Her reputation would be no worse for wear, even though it definitely deserved to be. What kind of girl would not only cheat on a man, but do it with his brother?

He didn't have the energy nor the motivation to be mad anymore. All he felt like doing was sobbing.

* * *

A/N: Favorites and reviews are worth a thousand donut holes :)

Also, just in case any of you are wondering, my update schedule should be between 3 and 4 pm EST every Sunday. (It was late because your girl forgets about this fanfiction platform even existing for some reason?? They'll be on time on AO3 and Wattpad, for the most part (under the same username)) The chapters should be longer after these prologue chapters, but since school is starting ridiculously early for me this year, updates may not be as consistent...? I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks for reading!!


	3. Chapter I

It'll heal with time, they said.

You'll get over it soon, they said.

They lied.

Tina knew she needed to find another job soon, seeing as she was the main source of income for herself and her sister and it had been two weeks since she'd been fired, but being a police officer was her passion. Apart from that brief year or two that she wanted to be a witch (which scared her parents senseless; as Jews they were more or less opposed to the idea), she had always wanted to go into law enforcement one day. Being fired from federal law enforcement was like getting a bite into a slice of cake and then having your parents take it away from you.

Maybe I should just stop being so ambitious, she thought to herself, then chuckled humorlessly. Impossible.

"What's so funny, Teen?" her sister asked from above her.

"Literally nothing."

"Stop being so angsty." Tina hissed as Queenie plucked an exceptionally stubborn eyebrow. This was their ritual – when one of the sisters was upset, the other would pluck their eyebrows. It was a strange quirk to have, but it helped, for no apparent reason.

"I'm not being angsty-"

"All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out-"

"Stop!" Tina giggled. In moments like these, it was easy to let go and just enjoy the presence of her sister. Queenie always seemed to know what Tina needed – whether it was coffee, space, laughter, ice cream, noodle soup, sleep, a movie – no matter what, Queenie was always there. It was like she had some sort of clairvoyant ability to see inside Tina's mind. Where Tina had ambition, Queenie had empathy. It was a sort of balance, a yin-yang, if you will. But no matter how hard Queenie tried, she couldn't solve all of Tina's problems.

Once their laughter died down, Queenie spoke up.

"Tina, you really do need to start looking for another job. I've started looking too, for the time being, but there's no way I'll be able to sustain us both as a cosmetologist or anything else I might be interested in, so you'll need to find something soon."

"I know, I know. It's just-"

"Yeah, being a police officer was your dream. And it sucks that Director Piquery would fire you like that. But at this point there's not really anything you can do about it. Tell you what – we'll go see a movie today, to get your mind off things, as long as you find at least five openings you're interested in by day after tomorrow."

"Well, it depends on the movie. Is there anything new out? Other than creepy horror movies that'll keep me up at night even more than I already am."

"There's nothing new… but The Greatest Showman is still showing, and I know how much you loved it the first three times we saw it."

"Oh, come on, Queen, I wasn't the only one! You were practically singing the lyrics to 'Rewrite the Stars' last time."

"Okay, okay. I'll leave you to get ready, then we'll go."

Tina ducked into her room to put on something slightly nicer than the gray sweatpants and Syracuse University sweatshirt she was wearing to mope around in and decided on a baby blue blouse with navy jeans. She didn't bother with makeup – the only times she's ever worn it was to her high school and college graduations, her induction to the CIA, and work parties here and there. It was just Queenie anyway – and they were going to be in a dark room packed with strangers she honestly couldn't care any less about. She grabbed her phone off her nightstand, her purse from the foot of her bed, and slipped on her shoes to head outside.

As they stepped into the crowded theater (it's been a month since the movie first came out; how is it still this popular?) there was a simultaneous buzzing resonating through the building. Everyone went into pockets, purses, sometimes even bras, to check what the latest political scam/collusion/fraud was. Tina was intrigued, to say the least, but at least had the common courtesy to move into her seat next to Queenie instead of stopping in the middle of the aisles to see what all the kerfuffle was about. She pulled out her phone to turn the brightness down for anyone who actually cared about the previews and read the headline.

" **New(t)est Sca(ma)ndal: Heartthrob Crown Prince of Normont Caught Sleeping With Brother Newton Scamander's Girlfriend – 'I don't even know what came over me'"**

She rolled her eyes and shut off her phone. Where the hell was Normont, anyway?

Every time. Every time. Every time.

From Now On. Made Tina cry. Every. Single. Time.

Queenie handed Tina a tissue from her bag. The middle-aged couple sitting in front of them turned around and dramatically shushed her. Heads snapped. People were looking. Oh no.

And to top it off, Tina's phone rang.

Why are you so stupid get a grip go answer your phone you should've worn makeup today at least turn the ringer off you idiot you emotional mess

She snatched up her purse and left the theater. Stalking over to a nearby bench advertising for a new movie – A Simple Favor, it read – and picked up the phone.

"Hello?""Porpentina Goldstein?"

"Yes, this is she."

"Director Piquery would like to speak with you."

After multiple nervous breakdowns in the bathroom and shaking of hands and jellification of legs, Tina walked into Picquery's office – the very one she thought she'd never see again as of two weeks ago. She looked just about as stressed as Tina was.

"You wanted to see me?"

"I'm giving you this one chance to get your job back with us. Just this one."

She did a mental double take.

"D-Director Picquery, I would do anything to work here again. But – why?"

"We're unfortunately short on staff members for a time like this. Firing you seems to have been the last straw. You're more than skilled enough for this job, you just tend to show up where you aren't necessarily wanted."

Liability, unwanted, annoying, liability, emotional mess-

"I promise, Director, it won't happen again. I swear, I've learned my lesson."

"I sure hope you have," Picquery responded, "because need to send you to Normont."

Tina Goldstein tended to be very impulsive when it came to speaking her mind and usually regretted almost anything that came out of her mouth. She had no filter.

"Where the hell is Normont, anyway?"

She gasped and covered her mouth immediately, but Picquery actually snorted.

Tina's jaw dropped.

"That's the thing," Picquery laughed, "I don't thing anyone knew except preteen girls who keep up with the EBW list. Until today, at least."

Tina raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"That "New(t)est Sca(ma)ndal thing you probably saw today? Everybody's going crazy over it, and we're not exactly sure why. No one cared about the crown prince of Normont, or Normont in general, until today. All I know is that there's a coronation coming up where this playboyish excuse for a prince Theseus Scamander is being crowned king, and he slept with his brother's girlfriend, Duchess Leta Lestrange, two nights ago. Needless to say, the palace needs some major damage and paparazzi control, but most of the law enforcement in Normont is already being stationed for the events leading up to the coronation, which is where you come in."

"What do you mean? I can't do anything about that from here, can I?"

"I mean, you probably could, but Normont has requested some backup from the CIA while we can afford to give up some of our agents. We've been told to keep this hush-hush so no one knows that the CIA has been significantly weakened from this scandal, so please don't tell anyone except your sister? You'll be given Normont Law Enforcement identification there. You'll sort of be in the limelight, as you've been instructed specifically to keep watch over Prince Idiot's brother here, Prince Newton "Mopey" Scamander for about two weeks."

"And you're giving me my job back if I accept this offer?"

"I'll give you tonight to think about it, but if you do accept, the job's all yours."

Tina thought about it for approximately 2.78 seconds before she made her decision.

"I don't need tonight. I accept."

"Great! We'll fly you out tomorrow morning then."

Tina stood for a second, slightly dumbfounded.

"In case you hadn't realized, Agent Goldstein, you're dismissed," Picquery said.

"Oh – right – sorry," Tina stumbled both over her words and over the leg of the chair she was standing next to. Picquery laughed behind her.

She got into her Toyota again and sobbed – but this time with gratitude.

The instant she got home, she sat down at her and Queenie's shared computer and began researching Normont. She wasn't going to let Picquery down again, and if she wanted to do that, she at least needed to know where the hell it was.

After some decent geographical searching, she decided to do some research on the prince she'd be watching over for two weeks. She typed Newton Scamander into the search bar and the first thing that came up in the autocomplete section was "why is newton scamander such a baby". She frowned. Just then, Queenie came over to the computer, ecstatic.

"Teenie, today is your lucky day!"

"How so?"

"Well, for one, you got to see a movie with yours truly-"

"Oh, shut up-"

"For two, you got your job back-"

"Well, okay-"

"And for three, the prince you're assigned to is really incredibly extremely hot!"

She looked at the picture. Of course, it was on EBW's official website.

His brown hair was styled in an intentionally-messy-but-not-that-messy fashion. His face contained a smattering of freckles with a soft jawline. He was dressed in a crisp blue button-up shirt and slacks with black dress shoes – ordinary business wear, but still exuding a royal attitude. His blue eyes showed an air of being slightly uncomfortable – she didn't blame him; she would be too. But as she focused on the overall image of him – Prince Newton Artemis Fido Scamander – she realized something important.

Damn.

He was hot.


End file.
